Wednesday, October 21st, 2009
As we begin our look back on the last ten years in country music, we’re starting with the bottom. Over the next few days, you’ll be reading about the worst that country music sent to radio in the 2000s, much of which they actually played.
But first, a disclaimer. This list makes no attempt to objectively list the worst singles of the decade. If that’s what I was going for here, I’d just post a collection of homemade tracks and twenty Rascal Flatts singles and call it a day. Instead, this list takes a broader view, including songs from accomplished artists that were just disappointing, copycat and fad-chasing numbers, and just plain old mediocre efforts.
This isn’t the type of thing we normally do, but I’m sure I’ll hear what I’m right about, what I’m wrong about, and what I forgot to include in the first place! Look for the best-of lists to follow as the year starts winding down.
The Worst Singles of the Decade, Part 1: #50-#41
Mark Wills, “19 Somethin’”
Pick a decade, man.
Toby Keith, “Who’s Your Daddy?”
The biggest casualty of Keith’s ascent to superstardom was his quality check. When your label lets you put out anything and radio goes ahead and plays it, the blame must be spread around for such silliness as this.
Halfway to Hazard, “Daisy”
In which a girl’s sole reasons for existing are to make a boy a man, lead him to God, and give him a child. After that, you can just kill her off in the final verse. This is why people hate country music.
Martina McBride, “(I Never Promised You a) Rose Garden”
McBride’s bloodless cover of the Lynn Anderson classic lacks all of the layers of irony found in the original, but it secured its place on this list by the parenthetical addition to the title. “Oh, it’s that song about a rose garden!”
Rascal Flatts, “Revolution”
Then again, if Martina sounds like she doesn’t get the layers of meaning in “Rose Garden”, Rascal Flatts make clear they have no idea at all what John Lennon was singing about on the White Album. That they have the audacity to start going “Shoo-be-doo-bop” in the background as Gary LeVox sings about Chairman Mao is simply insane.
Joe Nichols, “If Nobody Believed In You”
He’s worried that God is finally giving up on mankind. He was able to keep the faith through all those epic wars and acts of genocide, but no prayers in public school pushed Him over the edge.
Miranda Lambert, “Dead Flowers”
Person #1: “Wow, this song has no melody at all.”
Person #2: “Did she just compare herself to Christmas lights?”
Person #1: “And it just goes on forever. Who’s singing this anyway?”
Person #2: “It’s by….Miranda Lambert.”
Person #1: “Miranda Lambert?…..It’s…..brilliant!”
Person #2: “Yes. Brilliant!”
Lady Antebellum, “Lookin’ For a Good Time”
She should look for an Autotuner instead.
Billy Gilman, “She’s My Girl”
“The way she moves, the way she grooves. She drives me wild with her wild-child smile.” It took Billy Gilman singing a romantic song to make all of his inspirational songs seem painless in comparison.
Sammy Kershaw & Lorrie Morgan, “He Drinks Tequila”
He drinks tequila, she talks dirty in Spanish. That’s the premise. Lorrie Morgan yelping like a chihuahua is the unfortunate result.